It’s true. 5.11 pants are the ultimate dad pants. Before I tell you why I’m right, let me explain how I got there.
The other day I laid to rest a $200 pair of Tommy Bahama shorts. ” $200 shorts? But TB doesn’t make $200 shorts,” you think. You’re correct, they don’t.
But the dad life is rough on even linen islander shorts built for pudgy slackers. My beloved green palm tree-patterned TB’s couldn’t withstand my constant squatting to pick up my 2-year old every time he needed a huggy, a Matchbox car fished out from under the fridge, or an amateur grappling match on the carpet.
Rrrrriiiippp went the butt seam of my $60 shorts. After sinking $140 over a few years into patching and re-repatching the patches, there was too-little fabric left to work with. My once relaxed-fit short-sleeved britches morphed into cycling shorts.
I gave in to my wife’s need for social acceptance at public gatherings and shed my shorts.
But what to replace them with? The Lucky jeans I had left from college and Levis from high school were failing badly at the dad life, too. Two stout horses might not be able pull a pair of Levis apart, but two small boys will.
Here’s where I faced the dreaded dilemma that men everywhere fear: shopping for new jeans.
The nut-hugging misery of men’s pants
Fashion is like a pendulum. Unfortunately, after the high-rise Urkel days of the 1980’s and the wide-leg JNCO’s of the 90’s, clothing designers went full tilt towards lower-rise, ever-tighter, and shorter-length pants for men, and we’ve suffered in silence ever since.
It’s not OK.
Men sounded the alarm against this trend, but it was too late. Even Esquire threw a penalty flag to no avail. Once the metrosexual hooks of the 2000’s were set, the trend never let go.
These days there are two types of men in clothing stores. One is a bachelor who revels in the spray-on pants that imprint his man-bits to women at the gym. His goal? To answer everyone’s burning question “how’s it hanging?” with crotch-compressing pants that make the answer blindingly clear.
The other type of guy in a clothing store is literally every other one in the store. He’s the one suffering a day of quiet desperation, praying his wife doesn’t find a “cute” pair of chinos she’ll demand he wear. He’s the one coming out of a fitting room, lifeless eyes over forced smile, as his lady and her friends gabble about him like the prize dog at a toy poodle show. He’s holding his phone/wallet/keys in his hands because the pockets on the testosterone-blocking leg casings are inexplicably only 3″ deep.
At the end of the day, many a lost man will shoehorn themselves into the his wife’s trendy choice of capri men’s pants. He’ll climb into her purse next to her teacup dog for the ride home. Some days later, late at night, he’ll walk outside, stretch out a Captain Morgan pose as best the pants will allow, lift his head to his ancestors in the stars and acknowledge, “it’s been a noble run, but the family name ends with me.”
Fortunately, I had to good sense back at Lululemon to tell my wife as she handed me something to try on, “Lol, no. I know a tactical supply store we can try.”
Breathing room
In all seriousness, I did go to a tactical supply store looking for nice pants, hence this article. After trying half a dozen other trendy clothing stores only to find endless denim and corduroy substitutes for contraception, I had little choice. But past the handgun display cases were the best trousers I could ever image, 5.11’s Stryke Pant series.
Classy – First of all, the wrinkle-free Stryke pants look classy. The earth-tone charcoal and tundra-colored options work well with Polo shirts and dress shoes. The cargo pockets have a slim, unnoticeable profile with pocket flaps that lie flat against the leg. The burnt and TDU green options add some muted color variety to your wardrobe without being loud or obnoxious, a decent fit for both gray man and normcore tastes.
Durable – I’ve been rotating between four of these pants for the past three years, and they still look new. The colors haven’t faded and there isn’t a frayed thread anywhere, which is impressive considering they’ve been subjected to the daily wear and tear of dad life. No matter how many times I’ve knelt in sand, shimmied under a car to get a toy, squatted to pick up a sleepy rag-doll kid, or done some other parental acrobatics, the Stryke pants have taken the stress in stride.
Comfortable – Most importantly, the 5.11 Stryke pants are comfortable. The front pockets are big enough to swallow an iPhone Max and barely show an imprint. The legs, seat, and inseam are neither too baggy nor too restrictive, even in a seated or squatting position. The waistband self-adjusts for those years when parenting drives you to gain or lose a few pounds.
The adjustable waistband is also phenomenal for inside-the-waistband (IWB) carry. This eliminates the decision process of whether or not to wear a particular pair of inflexible denim pants based on whether or not you are or will be carrying IWB.
Life is better in comfortable pants
It’s not just wearing these pants in the present that is so amazing, it’s also the relief of knowing that you never have to worry about buying another pair of men’s pants in the future. I can only assume that other men’s apparel companies stay in business because many men have yet to discover the awesomeness of 5.11 pants.
If you are 1. reading this, 2. love your boyfriend or husband, and 3. you children, find a shabby-looking tactical supply store in the industrial area of town and go buy some nice 5.11 clothing.