SAN ANTONIO – Officer James Callaghan sat alone at a table in a shift briefing room, nervously drumming his fingers, checking his watch, and wondering where his shift mates were. His sergeant quietly clicked through emails in front of him. Callaghan, the only officer on the shift who doesn’t own a Playstation 4 or Xbox, was unaware of how busy his weekend was about to get.
“Three out on vacation, two called in sick, and two on FMLA. Looks like it’s just you covering northwest San Antonio, James,” the sergeant said. “Holler if you need anything.”
Nationwide, the ongoing police staffing crisis reached a crisis level on Friday following Rockstar’s release of its newest blockbuster hit, Red Dead Redemption II. Commander Ashlow told reporters at a press conference, “We’ve known this day was coming. Rockstar warned law enforcement back in 2016 of the potential for a sequel in 2018. Despite the chief’s best efforts with the upcoming No-Shave November and department Halloween party, the volume of leave requests have been overwhelming.”
Houston reporters covering the staffing crisis spoke with one HPD officer who started FMLA one day prior to the release of the mega-hit game. “Sure, I saw the Rockstar press release back in January that a sequel was coming. My wife got unexpectedly pregnant in February, and we just had our fifth kid a few weeks ago. I wanted to be a good husband and father, so taking a few months of FMLA leave was the right thing to do,” he said as he dusted off a PS4 controller. When asked about the birth dates of his first four kids falling close to the release dates of Skyrim, Fallout: New Vegas, Battlefield V, and other hit games, he replied, “must’ve been coincidences.”
“Yeah, I heard that Red Dead was being released today, followed by Battlefield and Fallout 76 in the next month or so,” said an Austin officer who spoke with P&P as he laid on the couch nursing a YETI. “But I’ve been needing a cosmetic knee surgery for many years, so I had to do it. I know that there are dozens of political protests scheduled around the Capitol over the next several weeks, and I feel terrible that I can’t be there to help. The doctor says recovery period is only a few months, so I’ll be back to work shortly after New Year’s.”
“I don’t know why cops play that game,” Commander Ashlow continued as he slid a multi-week leave request across a conference table to his supervisor. “All they do is roam around doing boring do-gooder stuff, sabotage their own stagecoach robbery missions, throw food at hungry kids, and rescue and damsels in distress. I don’t see the point.”